Brown Anxiety

Brown Anxiety

When I was young I and those around me didn’t know the word “anxiety”.  When I was younger, pre children, I knew fear.  Fear=Anxiety

When I was a child, afraid, the child became angry. Anger was a constant and familiar comfort. 

When I was a child, among other children wo didn’t see my constant companions, anger and fear”. The child became known as a fighter. Because children don’t see each other’s companions, their baggage.

Children shouldn’t have baggage…

Anger and fear kept the child conditioned for war.  Battles, verbal scrimmages and physical altercations became an everyday event. 

Anger and fear were exhausting companions.  But, they don’t allow sleep or rest.  They require over thinking ad planning.  Can appear self-absorbed, ADHD, not paying attention, can be misinterpreted as daydreaming, short attention span, lazy.

When I was younger, angry, fearful, exhausted, battered and bruised (because you don’t win every fight) living amongst my family, acquaintances, coworkers blind to theirs and them to mine, invisible companions/baggage that is; I slowly, unconsciously became aware that others navigated life with companions of their own.

Walking, talking, living with both predator and prey and not knowing who predator is and who is prey. I became one of many unknowingly living my life as prey.  Life loses its multidimensional state, and a psychosis comes uninvited and plans an extended stay.  Psychosis is cousin to Anxiety.

When I was younger but no longer alone in the world because although damaged, I yearned for love.  But because love is the polar opposite of fear and anxiety, love doesn’t unpack.

When I was younger, and I had no idea why I couldn’t hold onto love.  I yearned for it, but I didn’t know fear was cussing him out, anger was beating his ass and psychosis had the lighter fluid and alibi ready.

I consider myself a logical person, some may say intelligent and wise.  I say, I was ready to give up and failed more times than I care to expose.  I sought help, first from those around me.  When that didn’t work, and I sought professional help.  After 30 years of various antidepressants, muscle relaxers, pain killers sleep aids, pills for nausea, all that medication comes at a cost.

Cause, effect. Action, reaction. Yin yang etc…. all over a life span equals illness. 

I set myself on a mission of healing.  I took control of my mind and my body. 

When I opened the door to my mind opened windows and turned on a figurative light.

Fear, Anger and Psychosis were so comfortable they had taken over me.  Trashed my being.  Graffiti My mind with negativity and hatred for self.

I did what my momma told me when fighting more than one at a time, get a hold of one and don’t let go till someone pulls you away or dead. (If you’re attentive you’re asking yourself why, wtf kinda parenting advice was that).  I digress…

I gripped Anger first, my ride or die, companion.  Anger offered no resistance or rebuttal.  Anger left silently and felt my muscles relax, and I inhaled deeply.  That night I slept, one less.

After restoring my body with sleep and rest I set out to eliminate my other lifelong companions.  I stopped taking medication, they were not helping.

I replaced artificial with real.  Paying attention to the only one of its kind, my very own masterpiece, my body.  Real food, air, movement, water.  After 30 years of medication and a lifetime of anxiety, depression fear, anger confusion among all other ills, I’m still standing!  I feel stronger.  Anger’s absence left space.  The space was replaced with love.

Love came, unpacked and brought trust and patience. Love, trust and patience are so extreme, large, encompassing and loud.  They bring light which replaces darkness.  I forgot about love and her gang.  We are getting reacquainted. Gently cleaning and repairing the damage.

Fear and her cousin Psychosis and tricky little cunts and sometimes I need help with them.  They are managed with confidence and self-soothing (Mother’s gift, maryjane, weed, so many names, don’t judge me, one battle at a time) Love brought love.  His love is battle scarred too.

We help each other clean, dust and when necessary, we help each other win our perspective battles.  Some days were both tired and we look at each other knowingly in silence because we both know we don’t win them all.  Patience and trust are always standing as sentinels gate keepers, guardians if you will.  Creating peace.

We cheer each other on with kindness positive words and patience.

Published by sisters8keeper25

Greetings, Welcome and thanks for stopping by. My interest includes but not limited to science, science fiction, history, psychology, mental health, Tourette’s, Autism. I am a writer and artist. Since a young age, words have fascinated me.

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